On Feeling Good

Some nights, when things are going particularly smoothly, I try to help Gretchen fall asleep without buckies (aka nursing) to prepare her for the stretch of nights when I will be in San Diego this August.

Some nights she is happy to fall asleep with daddio, but due to weird work schedules, these nights are few and far between.

Some nights, like last night, I tried my best to help her to bed without buckies and I failed. Or at least I thought I was failing.

She sobbed. Buckies, mama. Please buckies? I spoke softly. Not tonight, baby. Lay down, I'll pat your back.

Please buckies?

No baby.

Buckies?

No, no.

Until her tears were too much and I could feel our close connection slipping away.

And so I gave in. But I won't say gave in, actually. I did what felt right. In my mind, these words streaming across the back of my eyelids...

... feeling good is more important than being "right".

Rarely have truer words been uttered. And so I held her to my chest as she nursed, sweaty and sweet. And I sang to her til she was deeply sleeping.

And it felt so good.

Day 11: Something I’ve Been Craving

I'm a little late getting to this, but it's somewhat appropriate since the thing that I have been craving is SLEEP.

Last night, the boy & I snuggled up on the couch to watch Scott Pilgrim, but the babe woke up about 1/2 an hour in. I hopped upstairs to nurse her back to sleep, and ended up drifting off to dreamland myself. Until 5.30am, when I awoke, confused as to what room I was in, and with a very unpleasant feeling in my mouth -- the feeling you get when you fall asleep without brushing your teeth. Ick.

At 5.30am, I climbed back into my bed to try and get another couple hours of shuteye, and was soon joined by Gretchen, who has some psychic ability to tell when I'm not near her. We cuddled and napped til it was time to get up & head to daycare.

Despite the interruptions, I got an alright amount of sleep -- it's not the 12 hours I'm craving, but it's certainly enough to get me through the day.

And on that note, my freshly brewed tea is calling my name.

Have a lovely day, mes amis.

(And I promise my Day 12 post won't be quite so tardy.)

Photo source: Julia Stotz

On Traumatic Mama Moments & Reaching My Child

Recently I've been nursing Gretchen to sleep in her own little bed, in her own little room. She'll sleep til sometime past midnight before waking up and coming to snuggle with her mama. On this particular night, however, when I went to open her bedroom door to fetch her around 2am, the door wouldn't budge. At this point she was a little teary and getting more upset because she knew I was just outside her room. I tried the door again -- stuck. Nothing. I can't imagine that she'd have somehow locked it from the inside, but I suppose stranger things have happened.

Panic struck and grew as my poor little babe sobbed on the other side of the door and I couldn't get to her. I had these images of breaking the door down somehow, or ripping the handle off as her cries got louder and louder. It was awful. I pushed and pulled the door knob until my palms were sore. (I actually woke up the next day with a bruised hand because of this). All of the thoughts flying through my brain were of the "you're a terrible mother" persuasion and I was feeling incredibly frustrated.

Thankfully I'm fairly creative and handy when it comes to things like this (one friend once said I could solve any problem by using items within a five foot radius of myself), and so -- as soon as I calmed down a moment, I found something to turn the innards of the handle with and eventually the door popped open.

On the other side of the door was a teary faced babe, confused and upset. I'm sure she couldn't fathom why it took me SO LONG to free her from her room, but she quickly quieted down as I wiped away her tears, and hugged her for a long, long time. Soon after she fell asleep again, at my breast, in our big bed.

I really hope, with every fibre of my being, that even when I'm struggling desperately to reach my child -- in whatever way -- that she knows I'm always trying my hardest.

Because Sometimes Life's A Beautiful Blur

Last night I read the following tweet:

@OmahaBabyLady: Loves cosleeping. Helps me reconnect with the baby part of my toddling girl

I couldn't agree more.

Every time Gretchen slows down enough for a snuggle, I soak it all in, knowing that the next time she takes a break might not be for hours in her wild, runabout, busy, busy life. At the end of the day, I nurse her to sleep and we read stories while snuggling under the covers. Later, I crawl back into bed with her and we cozy up for hours of sleepy bliss. In the morning we wake and she pins me down to nurse in her drowsy state, not wanting me to get out of bed -- not until she's had her fill.

Sometimes I'm eager to get up, to get moving, to get things done, to start the day -- but there's nothing sweeter than hugging your baby. And so I do. A lot.

Here's to a beautiful Saturday morning, mes amis.

(And don't forget the hugs.)

She Walks, Ladies & Gents

My mind has been officially blown. In the last two weeks she's gone from a scooter to a strutter. She walks, almost all the time -- all around the house, in the backyard, through the park. She doesn't want to sit in her Chariot, but she'll still let me wear her. She really just wants to put her feet on the ground and go, go, go.

My tiny baby is a little girl.

Last night she slept through the night for the first time ever. From 8pm til 6am, she slept on her own little mattress at the foot of our bed. At around six she woke up and crawled into bed with us for some early morning snuggles & milk. She'll always be welcome in our bed, but it's lovely to see her feeling comfortable enough to sleep on her own.

Who knows what tonight will bring.

It's amazing what can be accomplished in just under sixteen months.

This Weekend

Where did the warmth go, my friends?? For the last three days it's been absolutely gorgeous outside -- springish, sunshine, neighbours riding bikes, Gretchen playing in the front yard, sweaters, sandals, long evening walks, strolls through the park to marvel at nearly snowless hillsides -- but today?

Today there were flakes of snow and a biting chill that had us all in a bit of a grump. However, I managed to combat the grumpiness with some serious thrifting and we even spotted our first yardsale of the year.

Today I also bought a new mattress for Gretchen so that we can start to think about the idea of slowly, slowly, slowly moving her out of our bed (more on this soon too). Today Ryan also put G to bed for the THIRD night in a row.

This mama's a happy mama.

I suppose the cold isn't getting us down so much.

Tomorrow Ryan's brother is coming to visit which will make a certain 13-month-old incredibly excited. Things are always busy in the house of fawn.

I hope you're all having a peaceful yet exciting weekend. With love.

...

PS. I'm nearly in tears after all of your nice comments on my last post. I feel so honoured to have such caring readers as yourselves. I'm simply stunned with love. Peace, mes amis.

The Craziest Thing Happened Today

This morning Ryan woke up a couple minutes before me to find that Gretchen wasn't in our room.

Where was she? Downstairs in the office, playing quite happily by herself.

How long had she been out of bed? We have no idea.

Needless to say, once I was fully conscious - just as Ryan was bringing her back upstairs to tell me what he'd discovered - my heart nearly stopped.

Since her 1st birthday she's been really good at going up and down the stairs (thankfully), but I still make sure I'm there with her every single time she wants to practice. We've also been making sure our bedroom door is closed at night -- until last night when Ryan accidentally left it open.

Apparently we've got an independent & adventurous little babe on our hands.

I'm sure this will have some people questioning cosleeping or bedsharing, and some will be shaking their heads as they put our parenting abilities into question, but I suppose that's just the way the cookie crumbles. I knew I needed to share this story for any mamas out there who have ever had a similar experience. Isn't that why we blog? To share & to commiserate? To support & to learn? Yes.

And so I'll continue to write honestly, because it's the only way I know how.

Our Blissful Thursday Morning

This morning she napped for 2 1/2 hours & when I went upstairs to get her, after hearing her chatting away over the monitor, I found her like this...

... just laying there so still in our bed, smiling away, waiting for her mama.

I'm so glad I grabbed my camera on the way to our bedroom.

Happy Birthday Gretchen Fawn

To my dearest baby girl on her very 1st birthday,

This year you made me a mother. No matter what else I'm given in this lifetime, know that this will always be the most special gift imaginable.

You've accomplished so much in the last 12 months: you were born at home; you cried your first little cry & then stayed so quiet on my chest; breastfeeding was hard, but we figured it out & we're still going strong; you smiled your first smile; you learned to say "dada" & "mama" & it was music to our ears; you rolled over, you sat up, you crawled, you scooted & now you can stand on two wobbly legs, so eager to run, not yet able to walk; you ate your first food; you got your first cat scratch; you fell off the bed; you bonked your head on the coffee table; you went to the zoo; you saw five parades; you had your first swing; you learned to do a little baby dance; you played with the dog; you went to emerg; you grew six teeth; you loved being worn; you slept with us; you wore some cloth diapers & some not-so-cloth diapers; you peed on your parents; you pooped on the floor; you had a bath in the tub just hours after being born; you know where my nose is & where your hair is; you had your first Christmas; you learned how to hug & kiss; you met new friends; you snuggled a lot; you taught us so much; you made your mother & your father fall in love in an instant.

We love you more than we can express, but we will try, every single day of your life.

You mean the world to us.

Happy birthday, baby girl.

On Monday Night

On Monday night an incredible thing happened.

On Monday night, Ryan put Gretchen to bed.

This might seem like a not-so-miraculous feat, however, every single night since her birth I have nursed her to sleep. Until Monday night.

On Monday night I nursed her, then handed her to daddio and said, "your turn". Upstairs he went, a few whimpers were had, she tossed & turned and eventually, they both fell asleep together.

During this event, I sat downstairs in the living room, reading (ironically enough) Elizabeth Pantley's The No Cry Sleep-Solution. I listened through the baby monitor while he held her to his chest and helped her to fall asleep. Without me.

All this time I was absolutely certain that she needed me -- needed to be nursed to sleep -- that I wasn't even willing to give anything else a chance. All I knew was that if I were to try and rock her to sleep, or snuggle her on my chest, she absolutely wouldn't have it. If mama is there, she wants milk and nothing else will do. I finally had to give in -- to let it go and say, 'alright, if I'm out of the equation, she'll have to make a compromise', and compromise she did.

On Monday night, Gretchen slept from about 9pm til 1am without waking at all.

And it was blissful.

...

PS. Gretchen was less than a day old in that photo. Oh goodness, my little baby Fawn.

Fawned Friday (The Best Of 2009)

Happy Fawned Friday, and happy first day of 2010! This week I'd like to share my favourite posts from the past year.

Come reminisce with me, mes amis.

01. The Homebirth Story Of Miss Gretchen Fawn

02. Wishing You All The Breast

03. Five Things I've Learned In My First Ten Weeks As A Mother

04. Sticking With It: Our Breastfeeding Story

05. A Really Nice Thing Happened To Me This Afternoon

06. To The Best Of Us

07. Attachment Parenting: A Family Affair

08. Cosleeping, Cribs & Doing What Feels Right

09. The Power Of Attachment Parenting

I hope you've enjoy taking a little look back over the year. It's incredible to think what we've all been through these past 365 days. So much has changed, babies have been born, lives have been altered, friends have been met -- everything is shifting.

Much love for the next 365. Peace.

Life & Love In 380 Square Feet

I recently came across this LA Times article (via Ohdeedoh) about a family living in a tiny little home in Echo Park with their 9 month old babe & their dog. I find myself completely smitten with their space & their philosophies.

“When you have this small a space, every decision is critical. You can only have things that fit within the scale of this space. And these are all things I have wanted for a long time.”

“Everyone who comes over says, ‘Wow, it's so cute,' but I know they are thinking, ‘Wow, it's so small.”

“I don’t think we’re so crazy. The way that most people structure their living situations is so the parents are most happy. But who’s to say that a kid wants to be in a room down a hall?”

“People tell you [that you] need all this stuff for a baby. All you really need is diapers, a place to change him and boobs.”

Amen.

Rise And Shine

She always wakes up on the right side of the bed. Though she may whimper to let me know she's awake, there's always a huge smile & some snuggles waiting for me at the top of the stairs.

...
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Cosleeping, Cribs & Doing What Feels Right

Tonight I put Gretchen down to sleep in her crib (in our bedroom) for the first time.

She has slept in it for short periods of time previous to this, however it's the first time that I've got her to fall asleep (in the sling while nursing) and have successfully transferred her to the crib without waking her and having to nurse her down in our bed.

Does this spell the end of cosleeping? Not exactly. I just want to give her the opportunity to try out the crib and see if she enjoys it -- I hope she'll know eventually that it's a happy place to lay, rest, sleep and listen to music (or her sleep sheep).

A few days ago I moved Gretchen from our bed to the crib for a short period of time when I went to sleep, however, we brought her back into bed with us upon her first waking so I could nurse her to sleep beside me.

I think this will continue to be our method.

I do love sleeping with her and will probably take part in some form of cosleeping for the next few years -- it just feels right to have her close at night. Lately, however, we've been finding that we wake her up more and more at night when we move around, resulting in sleepless nights and a crabby mama/baby duo the next morning. (The boy could sleep through a tornado.)

So for now, our new routine (hopefully) will be to put her in the crib once she falls asleep (either in the sling or while being nursed) and then to move her to our bed once she wakes in the night for some milk time. My thoughts are that we'll both get a little more sleep this way.

Sometime in the future perhaps she will fall asleep without being nursed, but for now, she's my girl, and I'm keeping her close.

A woman on the bus said to me today: "Babies are like vegetables: if you leave them alone they will spoil."

This rings so true to me, especially in a world where everyone is hopping mad to tell you how keeping your children in your arms, beds and against your breast is what will spoil them.

I want to do what's right for my babe, and if that means she never sleeps in her crib all night? Fine. If it means she wants to sleep in our bed til she's ready for a "big girl bed"? Sure. If it means she loves the crib and doesn't need to nurse to sleep? Okay.

If it works for her -- it works for me.

I think the world would be a happier place if we all just listened to our hearts & did what felt right.

It's all about doing what feels right.

Much love, mes amis.

...
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Six Months

Dearest little Gretchanoo,
The last time I wrote you a letter was back when you were 2 1/2 months old.

You have grown so much since then -- you surprise your father & I everyday.

Sometimes we look at you & see our little baby -- sometimes we look down and there's a little girl, a child who is growing, learning and trying to leave babyhood behind as she ventures into the world of movement & sound.

You seem to be at a crossroads -- the point at which babies go from meatballs to movers and shakers.

You want to sit so badly & you're getting quite good. You can sit supported up against the nursing pillow for a long time while you reach for your toys (sometimes taking a little tumble).

You try to do a little combat crawl on your belly, but your legs are much stronger than your arms so this results in frustrating little face plants as you stretch out across the floor.

You're making more (and LOUDER) sounds lately. "Bababa" is a common topic of conversation. You also love when we cup our hands over your mouth to make a "wawa" sort of noise -- you've even learned to do it yourself! Clever girl.


Five days, 2 1/2 months, 5 months & 5 1/2 months.

A few times I think I have heard you say "dada" & I'm straining my ears to hear anything that could be construed as "mama".

You laugh at the dog -- the cats are also hilarious. You like to pet the animals (and pull their fur a little).

You are still a nursing champ. It took over three months for us to perfect the art of breastfeeding & now I hope to keep it up for a long, long time. I love that time with you. It's so comforting to lay down beside you and snuggle in for a nice breastfeeding session. I am also happy that you will take a bottle from daddy in case I need to be out & about.

You still love babywearing in our various carriers: the ring sling, the Ergo, the stretchy wrap, the pouch sling... all of them. We've been favouring the Ergo lately & it's been fun to carry you on my back as you take in the sights.

We just moved to the east (and most beautiful!) part of town. I want this to be the house you grow up in. The backyard you play in, the neighbourhood you go for walks in & the house you call home.

We're still bed sharing & will be for a while. You've never slept in your crib & I really can't imagine you being that far from us at night. We all sleep better this way.

You have one little chompy tooth on the bottom left side of your gummy mouth. You've taken a few little nipple bites, but not too hard. Mama survived. You're handling teething like a champ & you look so sweet in your teething necklace.

Tomorrow your father & I are both getting your name tattooed on our bodies to hold you near even when you've grown.



You are the most important little bundle imaginable.
You are absolutely incredible.
We love you so much, little one.
We are so proud of you.

Happy 1/2 birthday to my gorgeous little girl.

...
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Naptime With The Little Miss

Excuse my dopey baby voice.




Did her smile make you melt?

Me too.

Advice For Mamas & Mamas To Be

A little while ago I asked my fellow tweeters to e-mail me with their advice for mothers & mothers to be. Today I want to share some of the wisdom that they passed on to me. Here are a few snippets from their responses with a few of my own mixed in:

01. Don't try to be a super mom -- being a regular mom is good enough.
02. If something works for you and your baby, and it is neither rude nor dangerous, then you do it, no matter how many protests from busybodies and shocked looks from your friends that you get. (It is so important to do what feels right for the both of you.)
03. You can never have enough: facecloths, wraps, blankets, diapers, towels, socks or onesies.
04. If you have a boy -- remember to point his equipment down when changing his diaper.
05. Ask for help, even if you don't think you need it. You can only play the mama-martyr for so long. Besides, motherhood was never meant to be a solo sport. (I often have a hard time with this one.)
06. Sleep. Nap. Close your eyes. Put your head on the kitchen table. Do whatever you can to recharge your batteries, even if it's just in ten minute spurts. (So important!)
07. Don't become a hermit. Maintain contact with the outside world. Babies are portable, whether you carry them next to your body, take them for a ride in your stroller, or take them on a journey across town by bus or car. You'll both arrive home refreshed and energized by the change of scene. (Gretchen & I walk downtown & back almost everyday. It makes me feel like a part of the world & is great for getting a little exercise!)
08. If someone offers to help you with your dishes, laundry, cleaning your bathroom etc. they generally mean it & aren't just asking to be nice. Let them do it, or let them hold your baby while you do it. Either way you'll feel better.
09. Never underestimate the rejuvenating power or a warm coffee or tea.
10. Wear your baby -- you can get so much more accomplished with your hands free & it's really great for babies & toddlers alike. (Gretchen could be the spokesbaby for babywearing -- we're getting really good at it.)
11. Don't blame yourself if your baby is crying & you can't help them to stop. You are doing the best you can & that is what matters. (You're a fabulous mother -- remind yourself of this daily.)

This is nowhere close to being an exhaustive list, but it's a start.

In addition to these wise words, here are a few fabulous posts that I have enjoyed so far:
01. Before I Was a Mom
02. On Momversation: Why Do You Care How I Parent My Child?
03. Gentle Baby and Toddler Sleep Tips
04. What No One Tells a First Time Mom
05. First Few Weeks at Home with your New Baby
06. Top Ten Things to Do When You're Pregnant
07. 10 Daily Survival Tips for Moms
08. 1o Things All New Parents Should Know

So there you have it, some genuine advice, some laughs & some kick ass mothering wisdom. I hope you can all take away some positive things from this post.

Please feel free to share your own advice or favourite posts in the comments.

...

Thank you to Kate, Raye & Ann for their contributions.

Five Things I've Learned In My First Ten Weeks As A Mother

On Thursday, Gretchen will be ten weeks old & already I have learned so much. Some things were expected, some came as a surprise & for all of them I am grateful.

01. I have learned how to breastfeed successfully! This makes me so incredibly happy, especially since we had difficulties with it at the beginning. Thanks to the support & advice of friends & medical professionals I was able to persist! I can now say that I absolutely love breastfeeding & it makes me feel very fourtunate & fabulous. I will continue breastfeeding as long as I possibly can (which means pumping a lot when/if I end up working again). I feel such a special bond from breastfeeding & I'm really proud of myself for sticking out the rough patches.

02. I've learned the art of babywearing. I absolutely love wearing my daughter. We have three different types of carriers -- the CuddlyWrap, a Baby Bjorn & a Heart to Heart sling -- all great for different reasons. My favourite for the time being is the Cuddly. I love having her so close & snuggled to my heart -- it's also fantastic for helping her fall asleep.

03. I have learned what it feels like to worry about someone so tiny & so beautiful that your heart can hardly handle it. When my daughter wasn't gaining weight, or when she had a fever last week, my insides hurt. However, as one of my readers mentioned, these are the things that make you stronger. Thankfully in both of these situations I also got to feel so happy when she was finally growing & gaining weight and of her recovering from her fever & smiling at me once again. These are the moments that recharge your soul & make you feel like a wonderful parent.

04. I have learned that I love cosleeping. Going to sleep beside my gorgeous little girl & waking up to that smiling face warms my heart to the core. Ryan & I talk to her when she wakes up & we get to see the first smiles of the day -- even more exhilarating than that first cup of coffee in the morning. Cosleeping also makes those night feedings so much easier. Roll, latch, nurse, sleep! I almost never have to get out of bed at night anymore & that makes for a fairly well slept mama (and in these first months, sleep is aking to sanity).

05. I have learned that no matter how much love I thought I had to give, the moment I saw my daughter for the very first time, I had more. So much more than I could have conceived. So much more than could have been described to me. She is the best thing that has ever happened to both Ryan & myself. I still feel like I'm bursting with love each time I look at her & since I spend about 20 hours a day doing just that, I'm sure you can begin to imagine the workout my heart is getting. My heart has never felt stronger.

I know that I have learned a ton of other things in these first ten weeks, but most importantly I have learned that I absolutely adore being a mother. I always thought that I would & now that I'm experiencing it -- It's amazing.

Simply amazing.